What Ever Happened to the Village?

Remember the village it takes to raise a child, with everyone willing to help, support and sustain each other? Guess that's just talk. Maybe I shouldn’t post this right now since I’m emotional and I don’t have time to expound on my thoughts. Probably some of you have heard about this report on MSNBC.

"Gay families more accepted than single moms 
Pew study find Americans are split evenly overall on accepting 'non-traditional families' but disparage single moms”

Really? Disparage? In case you aren’t sure what disparage means, here are some definitions from online.

Disparage: to lower in rank or reputation, to depreciate by indirect means (as invidious comparison), speak slightingly about, express a negative opinion of, insult, ridicule

There is part of the study that I think is good and I do agree with: “a third (Rejectors) consider non-traditional arrangements to be damaging to the country’s social fabric”. Yes, the destruction of families creates difficulties for the adults and for the children in that family, but also is destructive to society. There have been books written on this subject.

“[These consequences] are not only to be expected, they are virtually inevitable. What we sowed we now reap. If you want the truth in all of this, it is that the law of the harvest cannot be repealed. The law of the harvest is the same in every historical period, in every nation, in every culture. . . . That society that sows the wind will reap the whirlwind. We are reaping the whirlwind of family destruction."
Elder Alexander B. Morrison of the Seventy, Utah North Area president, May 2, 1997 (at the annual convention of the Association of Mormon Counselors and Psychotherapists)

I just wrote about The Family: A Proclamation to the World in a post recently. “The family is ordained of God.” I do believe that children deserve to have a father and mother in their home. If that is what the people are expressing in the study, I agree. Since the questions are not included in the study, we cannot know what the opinions really are. Were they asked if single women should be allowed to adopt? Or if it they thought it was acceptable for single women to have children outside of marriage? Or something else?

“While 98 percent of Acceptors think there’s nothing wrong with women raising their children alone, 99 percent of Skeptics and 98 percent of Rejectors believe that’s bad for society. (The survey only asked about single mothers, not single fathers.)”

BUT the byline actually says Americans “disparage single moms”. That leads me to believe that there were questions that asked about how people VIEW single mothers. If that is true, it’s very sad.

Since becoming a single mother, a few of my divorced friends who are mothers have confided in me even more about their feelings. Unfortunately, a couple of my other friends have since become single mothers (against their will/desire) also. I am grateful to be there for them and have someone to talk to when I need it. We check on each other since this is such a roller coaster ride. One day is good and the next day a train wreck for no reason. I’m sure most people understand that it is a difficult circumstance to be in, but no one can understand the depths of loneliness and despair that most of us experience unless you have been there.

Friends who were friends with you and your ex-spouse don’t want to take sides or don’t know what to say, so they stop calling or inviting you to do things. You no longer have a spouse to talk to your friend’s husband so you aren’t invited to dinner with your family and theirs. Just when you feel lonelier than you ever have, some people stay away. I am so grateful for the friends I have that have helped me by listening and by calling or texting just to ask how I am. I have been blessed with a family (parents, brothers, sisters, and their spouses) who love and support me and accept me.

I really believe that despite the byline, many people do not look down on single mothers in general. But it is still very hard for me to accept and to tell others. I am still embarrassed to say that I am divorced, let alone that I’m a single mother. I already felt that some people (not everyone, I know) judged me and now with this headline, I’m not feeling better about it.

Most of us single mothers aren’t single mothers because we aspired to be or even chose to be. Many of the single women I know work many hours when they would love to be a stay-at-home mother, nurturing and rearing their children, but that choice was taken away from them. A couple of my friends have two jobs to be able to support their children when the fathers chose not to. Thankfully that isn’t always the case. They cook, clean, help children with homework, do all the daily tasks married mothers do, but they do them alone. They love their children and juggle their schedule so they can see their children in school plays or attend sports games. Most want the blessing that many others enjoy of a loving companion. Instead of disparaging, step up and offer a listening ear or lend a hand. Be a friend. Stop judging.

I Love You Anyway

I have been listening to my Jarrett Burns CD over and over and over. I noticed that the two songs that I repeat the most (although I love them all) are both duets. You can start the music here if you’d like to listen to it while you read the post. The lyrics are toward the end of the post, where I talk about them. (Sorry for the crazy formatting on this long post. I don't have time to figure out what I did to the HTML. The post ends with the question in purple.) 

I love duets, especially with a man and a woman singing together. 2 people singing, using their own unique voices, often singing different notes, sometimes even different words at the same time, but when they both do their part well and work together well, it is beautiful music. Of course, this is like a good marriage.

I’ve been debating writing marriage posts for months. Who would read what a divorced woman has to say about how to have a good marriage? And it’s emotionally hard for me to study and write about it. I thought about starting a series of posts entitled “Preparing for Mr. Right, #_” and then each post has another number. I thought that would get way too depressing to see post #2000 and #99,999, etc. so I decided against that. But I do want to learn, change and prepare now so that if I ever get a second chance, I can be ready, well, more ready. So the posts are really for me, but just sharing with you the quotes I collect and some of my ponderings and asking for your ideas too.  

So back to duets… Check out my beautiful and talented friend Elizabeth Sanchez's painting called “A Balancing Act”. She is an awesome painter. You can see more of her art at her website or her blog Personal Epiphanies. You can even meet her and some other women artists at Art Access Gallery 230 South 500 West #125, Salt Lake City on Feb. 9 from 6-9 pm. (Anybody wanna go with me?)

Isn’t this exactly what a marriage is like? It is so much work and you feel like at any moment you might fall off. And of course, there is the adversary making it harder to stay poised on the ball, keeping the marriage together. In order to remain steady, you must help your partner and allow them to help you. Sometimes you might feel like you are doing all of the supporting and holding, while your spouse just struggles, but if you let go because you are tired or impatient, you will fall too. Both husband and wife have to work together, doing their part well, but being aware of what the other needs. That is so not easy!

“Marriage, in its truest sense, is a partnership of equals, with neither person exercising dominion over the other, but with each encouraging, comforting, and helping the other…

Marriage partners must be loyal to one another and faithful in their marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed. The Lord has said, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). The phrase “none else” teaches that no person, activity, or possession should ever take precedence over the marriage relationship.”    LDS Study Topics: Marriage

My friend Shauna gave me the book Covenant Hearts  by Bruce C. Hafen before she realized that we had already filed for divorce. I still read the book and it is one of the best books I’ve ever read. I will be quoting from it in future marriage posts. I highly recommend you to add it to your reading list this year. Soooo much for me to learn. If you don’t have the book, you can look up some of his talks. Many of the talks are word for word (or almost) in the book, like this quote I took from one of his talks.   

“When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent…

Marriage is by nature a covenant, not just a private contract one may cancel at will. Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.”  Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee. This idea is wrong. It curses the earth, turning parents’ hearts away from their children and from each other”.

Bruce C. Hafen, "Covenant Marriage"   Ensign, Nov. 1996, 26

That leads me back into the lyrics of the song. 

I Love You Anyway by Aaron Edson

V. 1

Things have not been easy
I guess everybody knows
We've had our highs
But oh we've had our lows

I hope that you remember

Those cozy summer nights

When something deep inside you

Told you this was right

And even when you tell me

We don't fit that well we

Got something beautiful I hope you agree

Cause you mean so much to me

Chorus:

That I love you anyway

Yes I love you anyway

Even on the rainy days

When you won't meet my gaze

And there's nothin left to say

That's when I know its true
That I was meant to be with you
So you can do what you may
But I will always stay cause I love you anyway


V. 2
Don't know if I'll ever
Be what you really need
But I'll just keep on tryin
Even if I don't succeed
I really hope I get there
Even if for just one day
And if I don't, I really hope you say

Chorus: 1X

Bridge:
Nobody likes to think that
Someone sees the ugly in them
But people wind up all alone
If they don't let somebody in them
And its a bit naive to think
That lovin, livin' together we won't see
All the shameful things inside us
But if we love, then we'll be free to be
You and me and we'll agree that unconditionally
Chorus: 1X


It’s a couple struggling to make things work, but they know it’s supposed to be work, and they keep trying and they don’t give up because of their love for each other. They know we are to be longsuffering and that there is much hardship but blessings in enduring, instead of fleeing. (This part brings out the tears every time.)

Even on the rainy days

When you won't meet my gaze

And there's nothin left to say

I also really like the end of the song, where they sing about how they see each other’s faults and their bad sides, but they know that because they are loved, it’s okay. That person isn’t going to leave you because of them.

But if we love, then we'll be free to be

You and me and we'll agree that unconditionally

Isn’t that what we all want (and many of you are blessed to have)? Someone to love us even when it’s hard and doesn’t seem to be working, someone who we feel safe being ourselves with. I know that’s what Heavenly Father wants in a celestial marriage.  

So, how do you stay balanced if you are married, or what is one way you feel you could use support from a future spouse if you’re not?