That Really Is My Middle Name

“My middle name is Faith not Fear. My middle name is Faith not Fear. My middle name is Faith not Fear.” That’s what I keep telling myself to try to feel better. So far, I can’t say it’s working. School is here again and I am taking molecular biology and the lab for that, protein analysis, and ORGANIC CHEMISTRY 2 and the lab for that.

I cannot tell you in words how completely freaked out I am about the O chem. I have talked to lots of people who have taken it and they all say to be prepared to study more than I ever have in my life and still take 2-8 hours on each test and then be happy if I get a C. These are intelligent people who do well in other classes, but this is one of the toughest courses in college. The hardest I will have to take for sure.

O chem. 1 nearly killed me. I slept about 4 or 5 hours a night so I could keep up with all the studying, in addition to mommy duty with the cooking, cleaning, helping with homework stuff. I do not do well on such little sleep. I get very emotional and even more forgetful than my regular self. At least in O chem. 1, half of the grade was determined by homework and quizzes and I did well on those. In O chem. 2, my grade will solely be determined by my test scores. Completely. And there is only a possibility of a very tiny curve, if any at all, in this class. I'm not posting this to get comments that I can do it. I appreciate the confidence of my family and friends, but I know they are being nice and have no idea how very difficult this really is for me.

I’ve had a blessing and I’m trying to have faith that even if I can’t earn a C, it will be okay. I can re-take it the next semester and try again. Of course, that is not preferable. I would have to pay again to take it and it would set my internship back one semester. I continue to pray with the same words that I’ve been using, and it’s been working so far. “Father, if this is what thou wants me to do, I need thy help because I cannot do it alone.” I have seen His hand in my life and felt strength that can only come from him. I have been able to do more than I thought possible for me. So I feel so ungrateful and unfaithful when I fear this class and other things in my future. I am doing my best to squash it.

The best I can do now is just to go forward. I saw something today at my daughter’s junior high.

There have been times that I have thought that I should just quit school and get a job. Not only would I not have to suffer through classes that I cannot understand, but it would be better financially. But I know I would always wonder if I could have finished. And so far I have decided to try it first and only make a decision to quit if I fail, not before.

So I’m taking a big breath, getting ready for a semester of no sleep, flashcards constantly in my hands 6 days a week (so grateful for Sundays!), horribly long exams that leave me in tears, almost no time for blogging again, and lots of quick dinners instead of my usual recipes. (You can take that to mean occasional cereal or sandwiches for dinner like last semester. I’m such a healthy momma.) It’s only 4 months, right?